It was from my beloved Quebradillas that we departed for the United States in 1956. That year, we left Puerto Rico to settle in New York City. There my father awaited my mother, my two older brothers, my younger sister, and me. In Quebradillas, we had had the love and the affinity of many relatives and friends, and amity existed amongst the townspeople.
Aguadilla, the municipality or town where I was born in 1951 lay along the island’s northwest coast by the Atlantic Ocean. It is where my sister was born as well. All of Puerto Rico’s municipalities have “barrios,” and my mother’s family came from Barrio Terranova, Sector Las Cuevitas in Quebradillas. This town also lay close to the Atlantic Ocean. My two brothers were born there. My father’s hometown was Cayey, a mountain town on the island. When he was young, my father travelled with his family to settle in Quebradillas.
After having married my mother, my father ventured between Puerto Rico and the United States many times. He would seek employment on the island, but then travel to the United States to seek employment that would help him better provide for his family. Eventually, he would return to the island to spend time with his family and work there. Back on the island he would continue to grow his family. In Puerto Rico, he worked at the Ramey Air Force Base in Aguadilla as a laborer. Today, Ramey Air Force Base no longer exists. On the island, he also dug ditches. In the United States, he travelled to California and worked on a ship in some capacity. When I was a young woman, my dad spoke to me about how he made an eastward journey from California to New York. In between he stopped in Ohio and sought employment there where my mother had family.
When he arrived in New York City, my father held several janitorial jobs in Manhattan. The last job he held and the one from which he retired was at the New York University residential building for staff and students. He worked there for many years. How surprised we both were one evening when we ran into one another at NYU. He was at work as usual. I worked parttime in the evenings as a typist for a professor in his apartment which my dad did not know about, and I had showed up for work.
“What are you doing here, dad?”
“No. What are you doing here? You know I work here.”
“I never thought I’d run into you here. I work here too. For a professor I do some typing for.”
In New York City, we settled in an area of Manhattan now known as SoHo, so-called because it lays south of Houston Street. SoHo in the day is not the SoHo of today. SoHo today is an artist and celebrity haven with lofts and other exclusive high-rise buildings. There are art galleries and trendy and expensive shops and stores in the area. But in those days, there were factories and sweat shops. We settled into one of the old buildings of the time on Thompson Street. In the area, there are some cobblestone streets which I find to be a very quaint and interesting aspect about the area.
I commenced first grade in public school, but I did not pick up the English language very well. For my second year of school, my father transferred me to St. Alphonsus Grade School. The Roman Catholic grade school was situated a block away from where we lived and was affectionately known as St. Al’s. Since I did not know the English language very well, the grade school sister who taught a double class of first and second graders put me back into first grade so I could learn the language and thus get caught up on the first-grade school subjects as well.
My life in Quebradillas was not perfect despite the more idyllic life to be found there. But my life in Manhattan became extremely challenging. I loved my family, and as strangers to a new land, in a certain sense we clung to each other by necessity. But there were problems at home. Then also, I missed my family and friends back in my hometown and the way of life there. In New York, I experienced culture shock. I was bullied by a boy at school, and before long he had other boys on his side to also humiliate me. The attacks by the bully and some of those who followed his lead were particularly unmerciful. Those were also the days of West Side Story.
What saved me was my love of academics which I discovered at St. Al’s. Scholastically, I did very well and lapped up knowledge. Those early school experiences of learning turned into a lifelong goal to continue to read and learn and become self-educated as well.
At the Catholic school, we were taught Godly virtues. One virtue I learned about was fortitude. Fortitude is simply courage, and it faired me well throughout my difficult childhood and all the ensuing years. In my childhood, I needed courage to endure the many hardships I experienced and to learn to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward. I had no one to turn to. I had only myself to rely on. In a way, that has been a lifelong story for me. But it has made me strong.
The past has been hard to leave behind. I get triggered by many things that remind me of my childhood. As a small and vulnerable child, I had no control over the suffering I endured in my young life. The scars of my childhood were passed into my teenage years and then into my younger and even older adulthood.
As a child, I was not responsible for what happened to me. But as I got older, I became responsible for dealing with the scars of the time and their effects. However, confronting the ghosts of my life has never been easy. Even now, the issues that arise in the present can seem quite overwhelming as the pain of my past surfaces for me. How well I know how hurting feels! I left my childhood of pain and suffering behind, but I came forward with complex PTSD.
To minimize the impact of what I have been through, it has always been and continues to be up to me to do what I need to do to change as a person. I reached out to psychotherapy to help me with this. What inspired me to get into therapy was a small book my father brought into the home when I was in my mid-teens, a book he found at work most likely. Someone discarded the book which then became my salvation. It extolled the virtues of psychotherapy. I read the book and made up my mind that once I graduated high school at 19 and started to work, I would pursue therapy. My first two attempts were not fruitful. My third try at 23 turned out differently. I began to get insight into myself and feel better about myself. Therapy has helped me a lot and led me on a lifelong search to get to know myself more fully. After they hear my story, therapists have told me that I am a courageous woman. I feel that the virtue of fortitude I had learned about so many years before became a lifeline that turned out to be an immense aid to me in life.
While I have grown and developed on many levels, a truly satisfying life has not been an easy one to attain. Shyness, insecurity, inferiority became ingrained in me and have not been so easily discarded and replaced with something truly rewarding. Anger was not easy for me to give up. Grudges were not easy to let go of.
It does not help that I am quick to see my faults but not as readily to see my good points. I constantly see the things I need to work on, but I do not see the things I have accomplished. For instance, growing through and surviving hard times has made me a resilient and courageous woman. That is an accomplishment. Why do I make such a big deal of my fear and insecurity when I continue my work on these issues and recognize that they will diminish with time because of my perseverance?
The acceptance of where I am in life is important but so is the recognition that I have worked hard to accomplish much in my life. I can consider for instance the fact that I have honed my writing skills. Or that I have great compassion for people because of where I have been in life and my own struggles to get beyond that place. Yes. It is important I recognize that I continue to grow and develop as a person so that who I am now does not reflect who I was then. And I have indeed grown beyond some very difficult circumstances in my life.
But I am letting go, I work to accept where I am in life currently as I continue to make a better life for myself. I can see the improvements, and I am grateful to God for them.
In addition to therapy, I have realized my potential in other ways. I have read insatiably throughout my life as another way out of my dilemma. Reading became an ingrained habit. My fields of interest are self-help, psychology, spirituality, and other topics of interest to me. I have always had a belief in God, and more recently I have started to immerse myself in earnest to read the Bible.
In the Bible, I find the wisdom of my heavenly Father and his providential love for me. I have developed a closer connection to God, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit. That connections grows day by day. I feel more secure in his love.
Everything I experience helps me with my journey in life. I learn from the good as well as the bad, and I thank God for it. And I have acquired a Godly perspective on what my life has been about. I have a different perspective on the world. As a result of it all, I am an evolved and very aware human being. The fullness of my experience has helped me to grow and be the person I am today.
